


No Need To Walk A Path Till Its End, Choose Again.

by bliphany



Series: Jessica Lives AU [1]
Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Domestic Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Femslash February, Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-27 12:26:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10020722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bliphany/pseuds/bliphany
Summary: If the only function of her existence in Jessica's world was to help her get rid of that abusive husband, she didn't see why not.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [talkingtothesky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/talkingtothesky/gifts).



> Written for Femslash February.  
> Informed and inspired by Sky's [POI femslash rarepairs post](http://talking2thesky.tumblr.com/post/156669304373/person-of-interest-femslash-rarepairs). It's because of her that I decided to try this fic.  
> Also, thank you my lovely [Ester](http://archiveofourown.org/users/nervouscupcakestudent) for cheerleading and everything.

**2010, November. New Rochelle.**

Kara climbed out from the passenger seat and then left the scene. Inside the wreckage was Peter Arndt's body, dead, with trauma on the back of his head and a broken neck. Peter had already drunk a lot. The autopsy report would help to support the cover story.

While walking away, her body started to ache. There would be some bruises. Not the worst she had been through.

Kara mentally checked the process she had done. Put Peter in the driver's seat. Went through every item in the car to make sure the police wouldn't suspect. Drove the car and crashed it. Cleaned up splashes of her blood. Gloves were in the pocket to be disposed of later. That would do. The rest were just collateral damages.

She handled the whole thing in a well-trained, indifference way. Except she did feel something. There was a wounded animal deep in her heart whining and growling. Blaming her, maybe, for taking this road thus far.

Kara knew that when she went back, Jessica probably wouldn't see her as the way she once had done. But she didn't regret the decision. After all, this was who she was. A killer did things the other couldn't do, so people could stay safe and live their lives. 

That didn't bother her. Not for a single moment. What worried her was that she let them, let Jessica, know who she was and how she did the job. She wondered whether Jessica would feel bad about had befriended with someone like her. 

She would survive that, just like those wounds would heal. She didn't need a place in this ordinary world. She made her choice when she walked into this life, her life.

If the only function of her existence in Jessica's world was to help her get rid of that abusive husband, she didn't see why not.

 

*******  

**2006. Hungary.**

The first time Kara thought about Jessica, it was part of her job. The CIA had assigned her a new partner. As a senior, she must help him get rid of attachments. All rookies made the same mistake, no matter how well trained they were. "Those are weaknesses," her mentor once told her in her early years, "you missed someone, failed a promise in the past. You carried them. Those ghosts would haunt you down and eventually dragged you into the morgue."

It was true. She saw too many good soldiers got killed because they didn't listen. They blindly trusted their partner or handler, even when the system told them they were compromised, because they missed human connections too much. They hesitated when the target messed their head, using a girl looked like their lost lover, telling a fake story to provoke their nostalgia, or worse, their guilt.

She had read the report. Jessica was the woman's name. Her new partner's ex-girlfriend. On the surveillance photo taken at the airport, her smile was fading. The quality of the printed-out paper wasn't the best.

The man revealed nothing about the job. Kara knew he was decent enough to do this. Now she had to make sure he was prepared. What annoyed her was the fact that he stood there for minutes, watching her walked away. He might still miss, even be in love with her. Anyone who could get the same intelligence would use it against him. 

Against _them_.

Kara wouldn't allow any of that.

She didn't care about their history. Didn't bother to picture this Jessica's life or personality. All those love stories were the same boring shit. But, she understood why he talked to her.

Before walking into this life, some people tried to catch a glimpse of the normal, civilian world. The world they worked to protect, but with no permission to live in it anymore.

She would make sure that he knew that's the one last time. Sentiments were useless. They got you nowhere but hell.

 

*******

**2008\. New York.**

The second time Kara thought about Jessica, it was unanticipated. She followed Reese when he was on his R&R. She worried about letting him walk around alone this near home. He might do something stupid.

She was right. She just didn't expect he would be that stupid.

Reese. That's the name she gave him two years ago, after killing two men in front of him without interrogation. Reese was shocked. He might think she was insane and was reevaluating her.

Didn't matter. She didn't need him to trust her. She needed him to _know_. There was no time for questions. There was no room for the human elements to intervene.

He had everything this job required, abilities, aliases, a grave and a fake death date, except he hadn't figured out what it meant yet. So she discarded the name the CIA gave him, killed him again, and then, she named him Reese. Every time she called him that, she reminded him who he was.

Welcome to the afterlife.

At first, he looked like he wished to be somewhere else. After a while, he answered to that name blankly. Now, after two years of partnership, he responded to it as if it was his family name.

Interesting, she thought, sometimes you named a thing to show affection. She remembered her first pup when she was 6. While sometimes, you gave a name to control.

Which was obviously not efficient enough. What she witnessed was a hard evidence. Reese was at a bar, talking to Peter Arndt. Jessica's husband.

She sat beside him. _'Oh. That look on his face.'_ Kara didn't care. She must convince him to leave before the situation got worse.

Once you touched the old life, it couldn't be undone. She wouldn't take the risk. If that meant she had to threaten him with Jessica's life, then she would.

She implied to harm Peter and told Reese that Peter was the better man. She barely knew that guy, but she knew Reese. That would work. That's how your weakness defeated you.

She told herself she meant to help. Not only to prevent the potential risk on their line of work, but also the meaningless heartbreak. Even if he met Jessica, she wouldn't understand anything he could say. He wasn't even allowed to say those things. What's the point?

Before leaving, Kara turned her back and saw Jessica. She was talking to Peter. Her smile radiated happiness in the dingy bar.

She knew that kind of marriage. Perfect in everyone's eyes. Normal life.

But something alarmingly familiar was scratching in the back of her mind. It kept bothering her the following day.

She ignored it.

They received another mission soon after and left the country. She tossed the thought behind.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am sorry. You don't want to listen to this."  
> "It's okay," Kara said, "you don't need to explain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heterosexual sex scene mentioned.  
> I think it's rather short and not explicit. Still, friendly reminder here.

 

**2009\. New York.**

It was in the early spring. Kara sat at a cafe, with a cup of mocha in hand. She stared outward. Pedestrians passed by with their coat collar turned up, like it could hide them from the chilly windy day.

Just three hours before, she and Reese ambushed a businessman in a dark alley behind a pub. They tied him up and then transited him away. Mark said he would take over from there. He told them to get lost, in the usual annoyingly polite manner of his. 

A threat was neutralized. The city's rhythm, unchanged. She sat among those people who knew nothing, feeling the chocolate flavor melting in her mouth.

Recently, they got quite a few missions in the U.S. The government was haunted because of something. She could smell it. She didn't think into it much. There were always some dirty works needed to be done. That's why they existed.

Kara chose this cafe randomly. She didn't go to a bar because the place always made her feel like she was still working.

This place was close to her childhood house. Apart from her first time rotated back, this was the nearest she had got to the place once called home. This area changed a lot, but still, she could recognize some fragments lingered around the corner.

That would cause no trouble. She had no past ghosts to visit or to indulge her sentiments. Kara was just a little tired. Tired of filling herself into one cover skin after another, of pulling a leisure aura to get jobs done, alive. In this short period, she could at least enjoy this peaceful emptiness.

She wasn't going back. She was browsing. It's like watching a movie. You looked into other people's lives and remembered where you were. At the crossroads, a couple was kissing. An old lady was walking her dog. A guy ran out of the door. Daily dramas. She didn't live in it. At any moment she could leave like walking away from the theater.

 

*******

A woman walked near and sat at the table next to hers. Kara lifted her head and saw the woman wearing a light blue blouse inside a jacket. It's a little thin given the weather. She was holding a paper cup. There was a ring on her finger. 

Kara's memory had recognized her before her mind knew it. She was slowed down by this highly unlikely probability.  

It was Jessica. 

What a small world. There were over 8 million people in this city, and they chose the near tables at this cafe in this very afternoon.

Jessica seemed upset. The curve of her lips went down. Kara stared at her for a little too long. Their eyes met.

"Sorry," Jessica said abruptly.

Why was she apologizing?

"Oh, must be my stupid habit," probably noticed her confusion, Jessica added, "Peter- my husband gets frustrated when I am gloomy, he always says that. And today isn't my best day..."

Kara stared at her. Jessica talked with her eyesight fixed on the edge of the table. 

Then, as if she was suddenly pushed out of a dizzy dream, Jessica looked at Kara and said: "I am sorry. You don't want to listen to this."

"It's okay," Kara said, "you don't need to explain." 

Jessica pressed her lips together, looking down. 

Kara frowned. She didn't like the conclusion Jessica was making in her mind here.

"I didn't mean," Kara tried again, "you don't need to explain. I meant it's not demanded."

"Well then, thank you," Jessica faltered, putting her hands on the cup. It looked like she really had a bad day.

Why she looked this disturbed? Kara found it hard to recall her expression last time, at the bar. What had been missing in the middle?

Kara could just let the silence expand and end this, or...

"Well, I'm Kate," Kara turned her body a little to face Jessica. 

"Uh, Jessica," she raised her head, surprised.

Kara could see her eyes misted. She changed her body language accordingly.

"Okay, Jessica. It's not demanded, either. But it looks like you can use an ear. If you want to talk about your... not the best day."

"It's really kind of you, but-"

"I have no other things to attend to," Kara reassuring her.

She was just gathering intelligence. Things she might find useful in the future.

 

*******

After re-arranging their seats, they made some small talks at first. Kara kept her distance away from their conversation. Her training made it easy. But Jessica made it even easier. She talked like there was a first cut on her skin and everything swollen inside bled out. 

Jessica said she came here by chance. She took the latter half of her day off because works went crazy on her first shift. No, she didn't work in the neighborhood. She worked at a hospital in New Rochelle. She changed her jobs because the said hospital was nearer to the house of her husband's and hers.

That's when their subject turned to Peter. Mostly about how perfect Peter was as a husband. Except sometimes he was too perfect Jessica felt she couldn't breathe. From the time they're dating, Peter was dedicated. He knew every friend, every colleague of hers. He loved to know about her daily schedules and showed up with a bunch of flowers to surprise her. Peter was even closer to her mom than Jessica was. 

"He likes to say that... he wants to make me the happiest woman. Let others envy me."

Which automatically made him the best man in this world. Kara added in her mind. That was the most stupid assumption made from solely self-involving and the need of control.

"But sometimes I just can't," Jessica looked nervous, "I love him."

"I got it, Jessica. I understand."

"Why can't I always be happy like what Peter wants? Do you think it's because of guilt? I thought about," Jessica swallowed, "...another option before our wedding. But I do love Peter. I want this marriage."

"I believe you," Kara reached out and put her hand on Jessica's, trying to draw her attention. Her hand was shivering. "It's rather cold outside. You drove here? Took the subway?"

"Subway. Peter needs to use the car. I didn't let him know I took the day off anyway, which means I'd better get back soon."

Kara got why Jessica was telling her, a total stranger, all these.

She had no one to talk to.

Nobody would believe she wasn't happy. Because she should be. She tried too hard to prove that.

"You must think I'm the most ungrateful wife in this world," Jessica laughed. Her eyes weren't smiling.

"No," Kara said, one word after another, "I don't think so."

 

*******

Before they parted, Kara took a page of notepaper and wrote down her phone number on it. She might have just made the most foolish decision. But her guts could tell that was harmless. Jessica was too civilian. Kara would have shot Reese, even Mark, without any hesitation if there had been an order. But Jessica? She couldn't think of any scenario in which she could harm anyone or anything.

Besides, Kara chose her job because she believed she was serving for the greater good. She didn't care which politicians gained interests during the process. This country was the greater good. People lived their ordinary lives here, people like Jessica were the greater good. What kept her moving was always the same. And a suffering not being acknowledged was still one, at least to her.

"You are the one in the relationship, Jessica," Kara told her while giving her the note, "If you feel there was something off, it's probably true. It might be temporary, or not. Either way, don't let anyone else tell you how to feel."

Jessica took it, bewildered.

"It's natural if you don't want to run into me again. But, if you want someone, outside of your life, to talk to, you can text me."

"Text?" Jessica chuckled, for the first time this afternoon. 

"Stupid, right?" Kara smiled, "It's 2009. Who even texts when you can talk online anytime."

"Oh, sorry," Jessica's eyes twinkled, "just didn't picture you as a text person."

"My job. I travel a lot and not every place has good reception. I might not be able to reply, either. It's just a way out. Take it, if this makes you feel better."

"Thank you, Kate. I did feel better." 

"Me, too."

Like what she told Jessica. That was not a promise.

 

*******

**2009\. Paris.**  

Somehow, her meeting with Jessica changed the balance of her partnership with Reese. His attitude pissed her off more than ever. It had been how long? Almost three years since they had worked together. But he was still stubbornly naive sometimes. Yes, he did his job alright. But every time she caught the soft part in him, she felt like it was mocking her. Who trained him in the army anyway? Did he know what's at stakes here? Sometimes Kara wondered, did he even want to know?

Usually, she would let Reese have those parts he wanted to keep. She would let anyone have that. Even if it was her duty to help them through their transition, it wasn't her concern to change a person inside and out.

But somehow the fact that Reese wanted to, and was able to, keep the unpleasant part within him drove her crazy. She felt sick. And he didn't even care to let her know.

"We could be a few days late. What do you say?"

They under covered as a couple to eliminate some threats. While cleaning up, Kara asked whether Reese wanted to spend some time in Paris. She wasn't sure why she asked. Her interest in him? He wasn't actually her type. The frustration caused by Reese's perfunctory about their cover identities? But the mission was already done. Trying to help him to loosen up, like what she told him? No, she didn't care. Maybe it's just another way to ensure her control over him. To help herself to balance back.

"I'm fine," Reese wasn't slightly interested.

Kara found herself couldn't stand even one more second. She grabbed him, forced him to a wall, and pulled a gun on him.

"Time to decide," Kara swore that was her final warning to Reese. She reminded him that he, and no one else, chose the job. He'd made his choice. Nobody made him. Bear with it and its consequences, or leave.

"If this isn't you, if you want to be a nice man with a nice job," Kara hissed. If he was this foolish to believe there was a place for him in the bright, bloodless, and blessed world, "All you have to do is ask."

Reese might be stubborn, but he wasn't foolish. He took over the dynamic and then cornered her.

"I love my job," Reese was making a point.

So Kara kissed him. She was making a point, too.

At front lines, there were no human connections. Love was a cover story, and sexual attraction was just energy. Use up your energy; transform everything personal into something useful to benefit the job. She remembered everything her mentor had taught her, and she excelled in it.

She also remembered that, at the cafe, she told Jessica that even when its wound was invisible, an act to trap, to control, and to harm people emotionally was still an act of violence. What was she doing, then? The thought of Jessica only made her fucked Reese harder like he was something inside her she had to tame. She used her body to enforce her point and to feel its effect. She could feel his hatred and shame, which echoed hers. She felt they were both sinful at the moment. Both didn't belong to the brighter side, didn't belong to Jessica's world.

_'Which man do you want to be? The boy scout or the killer?'_

Her own words. Was she asking Reese, or was she also reminding herself?

But she and Reese were different. Reese was always the braver one, pulling everything he had maybe one day even his life, to protect the humane part in him. She hated to admit, but Reese knew who he was better than she did. But, she was the stronger one. She had no illusion to be normal, to be good. Once she made a decision, she never regretted, never lingered, never thought about going back.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll kill him."  
> "You said it like you actually killed someone before."

 

**2009. New Rochelle.**

Kara watched Jessica walking toward her smilingly. She was wearing her casual outfit instead of the nurse uniform. She looked a little pale and tired. Might because of her last shift of work. Kara learned that nursing could be both physically exhausting and emotionally draining, and she hoped what she brought could cheer Jessica up. However, Kara thought, there was more. Something was bothering Jessica. Something she decided not to mention in their texting. Kara's first thought was to ask, but Jessica was obviously thrilled to see her. Kara didn't want to spoil her happy mood, not in the very first sentence, so she decided to push the question for later.

"I am so glad you can come, Kate. And you got the good timing. I'm just finishing when your text came," Jessica greeted her, and then led her to the rest area in the hospital.

Since they exchanged phone numbers at the cafe, they'd texted each other regularly. Mostly Jessica talked about her day, sometimes involved Peter, and sometimes, gladly more and more recently, just about her; her job, her grocery shopping trip, or her thought about changing the color of the curtains. Kara replied less, but she made sure to contact back at least once every two weeks.

At the first week of this summer, Jessica brought up a cafe three blocks away from the hospital and how much she loved the ice Romano coffee served there. Sadly, it was often closed when Jessica got off work. Then, Jessica asked, in a separated text sent two minutes later, whether Kara would like to visit her if she ever had time to come to New York. Jessica would see if she could exchange her work shifts with someone.

Kara kept her promise. When their mission (illegal, again) was wrapped up earlier than expected, and since it was near the area, she contacted Jessica, and they decided to meet briefly at her workplace.

"I brought coffee," Kara took out two cups, one plastic, contained with dark black liquid and a slice of lemon, another one was a paper cup.

Jessica's face lightened up, "You went to that cafe? Oh no. It should have been me to prepare our food. You're the guest."

"Well, you didn't know I'd come until an hour ago."

"Luckily, I always keep something in my locker," Jessica flaunted a paper bag and from inside took out a few croissants.

They shared those, sitting at a quiet corner in a busy hospital.

 

*******

"How is everything going?" 

"Well, fine."

Kara noticed that Jessica paused for a few seconds before replying, and was now focusing on eating the bread, avoiding eye contacts. She wasn't sure if it's the right moment to pursue the answer.

Just when Kara was about to open her mouth, two nurses passed by and spoke to Jessica. They asked about her. Jessica told them that Kate was a friend of hers back in the high school. "Never heard of any of them before," her colleagues seemed surprised. After nodding to Kara politely, they soon went back to work.

"So, I am your school pals now?"

"Yeah," If Jessica aimed to pretend to be serious, her mischievous smile made it very unconvincing, "You were in the science club. Never showed up at any prom. More misbehaved than teachers thought, but you hid it too well."

"Have you just given me a cover story?" Kara was amused, "I have to say you only got one of them right, Jessica."

"Well, just wild guesses," Jessica flushed a little, "That's how I imagined you if we went to the same school... Ah! You never went to any prom, did you? I must have got that right."

"Uh-huh, dancing and drinking? Boring. I preferred the science club."

"Really? That's two of them, Kate."

Kara knew Jessica wasn't going to be fooled; she just liked to tease her. "I love your version. She seemed nicer than who I was."

"Oh, Kate, you are nice."

Kara only smiled. "Tell me. How were you like in high school?"

"Introverted. At least that's what teachers and my mom said." Jessica revealed that she had been once really into gardening. She would rather spend most of the weekend digging soil in the backyard with her daddy than hanging out with people. Some thought she was weird, included her mom. But plants made her feel relaxed and happy. At her teenage, Jessica's dream job was to have her own flower shop. "And somehow I became a nurse."

"Do you like your job, then?"

"I love it. But it's different. It's like you once had wanted something deeply, but then, you just forgot." Jessica said that her daddy passed away when she was 17. She didn't think about her dream after that. It's only recently that she remembered. "Made me wonder why I gave it up so easily."

Did people always believe they had made the right choice; picked the right path? Kara hesitated about the answer. She didn't know who she wanted to be when she was a teenage girl. She was smart and ambitious enough to get whatever she wanted. If only she knew what she wanted.

"Actually," Jessica revealed shyly, "Don't laugh at me, but I'm thinking about trying again. After the house payments were done of course."

"That's very nice, Jessie," Kara reached out, intending to touch Jessica's hand. She wanted to say she was proud of her. She admired that Jessica decided to go after her dream.

Jessica flinched when Kara's fingers touched her wrist.

That was when Kara found out the answer to her postponed question.

There were bruises around Jessica's left wrist and forearm. It looked like someone had twisted it vigorously.

"What happened?" Why didn't you tell me? Kara swallowed it back, didn't want to confuse Jessica, "Did Peter do this to you?"

Jessica looked unhappy. She started to clean up the table. But she didn't leave. Kara waited. After Jessica had collected every trash they produced and put them into the paper bag, she opened her mouth and began to talk.

Jessica said she and Peter had an argument last week. Their financial situation had been a little tight lately, and Peter had a bad day. Jessica forgot to tell him she took an extra shift at work, so when Peter came home and didn't find her, he was angry.

"He thought I wasn't considerate of him. He asked me to quit my job. But it's impossible to cover the payments if there was only his salary. Besides," Jessica paused, "after putting my share into the house payments, I don't have much left every month. I wanted to save some money for the flower shop."

Peter was already upset that she planned to change jobs without asking him first. He told Jessica to let him worry about the house and her shop. After Jessica had expressed that she wished to chase her dream by herself, Peter didn't take it well.

"And he hit you?" Kara kept her voice as smooth as she could manage. Not an easy thing for her at this time.

"It was an accident. He's upset because I never talked like that," Jessica added when she saw Kara was frowning, "He apologized. He said he was too afraid of losing me."

"Then he shouldn't have hit you in the first place. How was your wrist?"

"I took care of it. Kate, I am a nurse."

"I know, which means you could treat the wound medically without being questioned by someone else."

"Kate," Jessica pleaded.

Inside, Kara was embraced by a feeling she hadn't experienced for a long time. It was unfamiliar, different from those impulses she knew when holding a gun in crossfires. "I'll kill him."

"You said it like you actually killed someone before," Jessica probably thought Kara was joking, and was trying to ease the tension.

"I pushed a boy out of a window when I was in high school." 

"What? Did he die?"

"No. but he had to lie in bed for three weeks."

"Why did you do that?"

"He was insulting my friend and me for a while. We ignored him. After finding out name calling didn't work, he probably thought he had to be more aggressive to get attention. So, when my friend refused to do a school project with him, he was pissed and pushed her to a wall. I did what my instinct told me. His parents said he just wanted to make friends, that he was just not good at expressing affection to girls. Those teachers believed him."

"That's insane."

"Yeah," Kara said softly, "Wasn't it?"

Jessica realized what Kara was really talking. They stared at each other in a sudden silence.

"Did you get into trouble then?" After a while, Jessica broke the awkwardness.

"Big trouble," Kara smiled a little, "My mom was called to the school. I was grounded. My friend was asked to stay away from me. Since I was a violent girl."

"You were trying to protect your friend," Jessica said it with a sympathy.

"Do you think," Kara wasn't sure why, but she asked anyway," Do you think it was justified? To protect someone means something to you, no matter what means you take?"

"I don't know. I suppose I prefer things not to go extreme. I don't like conflicts. But I know you did that for your friend. And you're very capable. I admire that."

Kara didn't say anything.

"What happened then?"

"A teacher. The only one who didn't despise me back then told me I should use my energy to do something good. To serve the country to be specific."

"And you did?"

"Yeah. I served in the U.S. Marine for many years. Retired now."

Kara wanted Jessica to have some truth about her. And what she told her were true.

"You remind me of...," Jessica looked like she was about to confess something, "Ugh, I once dated someone."

Kara narrowed her eyes.

"It was when we're in the high school. Her name was Ellie."

Kara lifted her head. Okay, now she was surprised.

"You're the second person who I told this with. My mom doesn't count. I mean, well, she knew Ellie. But some things won't ever make sense to her. She thought it's weird that girls kept in touch after graduation. Or spend time together all the time. I guess that's why she called me too shy."

"Tell me about Ellie," Kara felt a tenderness sprouted in her heart, "She sounds like a nice girlfriend."

"She was."

 

*******

It was soon time for Jessica to rush back home. Kara felt an urge to stop her.

It was wrong. The reason she devoted herself to the system was that it was more objective than her, than any individual. That's why she chose to obey orders. The moment she decided to protect or to kill without an order, she was compromised.

Not that she cared.

"Jessie, promise me something?" Kara covered Jessica's hand with hers, this time Jessica didn't flinch, so she stayed that way, "What Peter did to you was wrong. It's a violent assault. I do hope you could tell me but, if I am not available, or you feel..., promise me to find someone you feel safe with for help, okay?"

"Don't say that. I feel safe with you, and happy," Jessica turned her palm up and held Kara's hand, "Maybe I just didn't want to admit that my marriage failed. It's like my whole world will collapse."

"It won't. It's what it always has been. You made a choice. Doesn't mean you can't make another one. You make another choice. That's it."

"I'll think about it," Jessica said, and then tilted her head to a sweet angle, smiling, "Listen to my instinct then?"

"Yeah," Kara found her lips turned up. No, it wasn't wrong at all. This was right, and she would fight anyone who dared to say the opposite, "Listen to your instinct. And, Jessica? You are a capable woman. Don't forget that."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I was like, oh, I hope my story can pass the Blether test, but how does one story in which a female lead discussed her abusive husband with the other count? That's when I decided to plan out more about Jessica's and Kara's own backstories. I tried, (and learned from the process, which I'm grateful.) Hopefully it did benefit this story a bit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In retrospect, Jessica tasted the bitterness in it. What she said to John at the airport was not true.

 

**Jessica**

When Jessica first met Kate, it was an accident. The ward she was attending got several emergencies that day. A colleague of hers kindly exchanged her shifts with Jessica's and told her she needed some rest. After clocking out, she was exhausted and wanted some fresh air. Jessica decided not to go straight back home because if she did, she probably couldn't adjust her mood before Peter came home. Peter hated her being gloomy. And since he worked long hours to cover their house payment, Jessica didn't think it was a wise idea to mention her day to him. So, she did what she usually do. During a day like this, she would try to get a few hours leave and go somewhere randomly, away from her house but not too far so she could get back in time. She learned to tell two different day schedules to both Peter and her colleagues. She felt bad about lying, but between that and suffocation, she chose guilt.

She found a cafe where they never came before. Peter was exquisite at socializing, and wherever they went, he loved to let people know she was his better half. Jessica tried to understand that. Peter was always a bit insecurity about their relationship, no matter how many times she reassured him. She chose to consider it as sweet acts when they're dating, but it got worse after the engagement. Jessica felt trapped. At first, she thought that was because Peter loved her more than she loved him, like what Peter tended to say when they were arguing. Maybe she still missed John. She did think about canceling the wedding if only John asked her to wait. That was the most rebel choice she had ever made, except John said nothing.

After the wedding, however, she was devoted. At least she thought she was. Okay, she made a _mistake_. Jessica could hear her mom's disapproving voice in the back of her mind. That probably explained her lacking in confidence while confronting with Peter's accuse. But she did everything she could think of to be a good wife. Like she was making up for something he wasn’t even aware of.

She knew she should be contented. All of her colleagues and her mom made it a daily ritual to tell her how wonderful Peter was. But Jessica got that. The problem was not in Peter but her. She even felt relief when she was getting away from her and Peter's house.

It turned out her getaway was different this time.

While trying to find a seat, Jessica looked outside the French window of the cafe. She saw a lovely couple kissing and hugging around the corner. Suddenly she felt like crying. Her marriage was perfect in everybody's eyes, but for a second she just wanted to be that woman. How selfish, she scolded herself. And then, she turned, and her eyes met with a woman sitting beside her seat. The woman looked at Jessica as if she was a puzzle, a little annoyed. _'Must be my face'_ Jessica alarmed and instantly apologized.

Fortunately, the woman wasn't annoyed because of her.

The woman introduced herself as Kate. She was cold but reassuring; even kindly offered Jessica a chance to chat. It was embarrassing, but Jessica couldn't hold back. She poured herself out and surprisingly, Kate contained everything she bled like a deep, bottomless valley.

It had been so long since there was anyone acknowledged her feelings and didn't think she was unsatisfyingly showing off. During their conversation, Jessica found that the inner voice which often lectured her faded away.

Initially she wasn't going to text Kate. Nobody was obligated to listen to her nonsense; especially they barely knew each other. But somehow having one person in the world that understood you were too drawing to resist.

Two days after Jessica sent her text, Kate replied.

 

*******

The situation of her marriage, however, was getting worse. Peter started to drink. He said it was the only way for him to relax after a long day since Jessica couldn't fulfill that function. Jessica let him be; just made sure the husband was fed and always got clean shirts. She stayed out of his way when Peter was drunk enough to let his rage run wild. She helped him to get to bed when Peter was too drunk to have the energy to either blame her or beg for forgiveness.

At one midnight, when Jessica was alone in the kitchen having a cup of tea, the memory of Ellie came to her abruptly. They were best friends in high school. If she had dared to speak out, they were more than that. Ellie was the first person Jessica wanted to spend time with, to share all her laughter and tears, every moment of every day, forever. It only before graduating that they realized they couldn't accompany each other the way they always assumed.

Ellie planned to major in design, and Jessica applied to a nursing school. Growing up suddenly felt real. At the graduation prom, they sneaked out of the building. The noise of music was far, far away. They sat shoulder to shoulder under an oak tree. Ellie kissed her. It tasted like wet meadow and fresh air and somewhere she belonged. They kept in touch even when their schools were in different locations.

It turned out keeping a relationship wasn't just about staying in touch. Jessica's mom talked about her being too introvert several times. She didn't mind that Ellie came over or stayed for dinner, but to her, only little girls spend all the time together all day. By the time Jessica started her internship, she was worried about Jessica wasn't social enough, that she never think about seeing someone.

Jessica didn't know how to bring it up to her mom. She could speculate her reaction, which she hated. Conflicts of any sorts made her unsettling. She rather tolerated anything to avoid it. But when the conflict was either with her mom or Ellie, she didn't know what to do. She ran away because she was afraid. Ellie was upset and eventually decided to take a job in Europe. Jessica moved to Tacoma. They never contacted since then.

And then there was John. He was the gentlest man she had ever met. They were happy. But when she suggested gingerly that she might meet a nice guy who was a soldier, her mom disapproved his career choice at once. "A nice guy means someone with a stable career. Who can provide a girl a good life and be there for her all the time." Jessica remained silent. She kept John a secret. She craved a future with him. Her mom didn't have to know it, not yet. She would convince her once their relationship stabilized.

After the 911, John re-enlisted. She understood that. She could be a wife of a soldier. But as time went by, Jessica noticed there were things happened in the army. John cared for her as gentle as always, like he wanted to shelter her from whatever he had been through. But the depression in his eyes worried her. Despite her concern, however, she was too nervous to ask. What if she screwed up again? She could be an innocent woman and made him smile. At least in those brief moments when they were together. But maybe she tried too hard. They both did. She watched their love fell apart gradually when they spent lesser time talking and more time worrying about their failures.

In retrospect, Jessica tasted the bitterness in it. What she said to John at the airport was not true. The reason they were separated was not that they didn't have enough courage. They would find it once the other required. That's their pattern after all. _'Ask me to stay.' 'Tell me to wait for you and I will.'_ She should have told him not to go. But she would only walk away from her engagement if John asked her to. She should have known better. None of them dared to believe that they had the right to ask.

The night was abandoned, and her tea, already cold. Why did she think of Ellie and John? She was married to Peter. The marriage had its ups and downs, but so was everyone's, like her mom would say. At worst the one she had seemed flawless in people's eyes. And it kept her mom away from worrying. Why couldn't she feel happy?

Kate once asked what made her happy and suggested her to do those things if there was a stressful day. Jessica instantly thought of tending flowers. That's weird. She didn't remember the touch of stems and the temperature of soil for a long time. When she was little, and her daddy was still alive, they used to spend time in the backyard for hours until mom urged them back for dinner.

The next day, she took a detour when shopping for groceries. She visited a flower market and thinking about having her own small business. She could start first online, taking orders and then delivering her works to customers. She looked forward to discussing this with Kate; maybe they could meet in person. She had to familiar herself with those techniques. She should buy some flowers home and practice. She could make something for Kate.

A few days later, she took an extra shift at work. She was thinking about saving money. After contributing her portion to the house, there wasn't much left. She wanted to chase her dream using her savings so that she could do it the way she liked it. She planned to discuss it with Peter once their situation got better.

She forgot to tell Peter that she would be late.

She knew Peter prone to be bad-tempered after a hard day's work, especially since he had started drinking. But she was still terrified when Peter grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his personal space. He was too forceful. Jessica could not break free. Suddenly, she felt a burn at the bottom of her stomach, and she cried out. "Stop it. You're hurting me!" Peter stepped back, furious. He couldn't believe she was accusing him, calling her neurotic. But he was too drunk. Soon after, his words turned into gibberish. He kept saying how sorry he was and how much he loved her.

She took care of her sprain after Peter went to bed.

There was no need to mention it to anyone, not even to Kate.

Jessica knew what Kate would say, she could even picture her expression. But to Jessica, Kate was not only a way out, not anymore. If possible, Jessica hoped they could share more happy things rather than Peter. She could handle it. Everything would be okay.

She was so bad at keeping secrets. Kate found out, and she was irritated. But not to her, but Peter. Which was new. When Jessica finally had the chance to be open to Kate, she was relieved. During their conversation, Kate talked about herself a little bit more than usual. Which was also new. Kate seemed to assume what she had revealed would influence the way Jessica saw her. It didn't. Even if it did, the determination Kate embodied only made Jessica adore her more.

She wished there had been more time, but she had to go home and Kate, her job. On the way back, Jessica mentally recalled what Kate told her at the end of their meeting. She didn't know why. But what she found incredible in Kate. Kate somehow saw the same thing in her. That made her elated.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll meet you in 24 hours. I promise. Text me where you're staying and wait for me."

 

 **2010.**  

Kara checked her phone again. It had become a habit. Occasionally she could sense that Mark was watching. No matter. She got every job done, quick and well, never questioned orders. What she did when she was not on a mission was none of the others' business. She also didn't ache for controlling Reese anymore. She let him keep what he wanted to and happily receiving the same treatment from him. They were quite a team together, watching each other's back. To be honest, she liked their new way of working more.

A year ago, if anyone asked Kara how her life was like, she would taunt that person to death. They didn't get normal lives. They didn't have anything or anyone to go back to. There was nothing belonged to them personally between missions. But now she did have. Those slices of Jessica's daily life were personal to her. Something she held dear. She always believed that she fought hard to save the world, it's nice to see how it looked like.

It was Jessica's money box underneath the kitchen cabinet, Jessica's floral design practicing, and Jessica meeting new friends in the training class the hospital had offered. Happy little things. Stars in the deep blue night, sparkling millions of light years away. In the past life. Far and ancient. But they were also warm and bright. They whispered to her during long hour's stakeouts and kissed the pain away when she was suffering from fighting wounds. Everything became better.

Kara deleted every text she received, just like what she suggested Jessica do. It was too risky if Peter decided to check Jessica's phone. But Kara filed every darling detail away in her mind. She kept them and remembered what she was protecting.

Jessica took a self-defense training class after work. The hospital arranged it for the staffs to prevent them from working place violent assaults. Kara considered it a very good thing. She didn't like how Peter treated Jessica. Yes. Kara used violence all the time, yet, to her there was still a line between _'you hurt the enemies'_ and _'you hurt ordinary people because you couldn't handle the demon inside.'_

It benefited Jessica in another way, too. Since the hospital received more and more domestic violence cases recently, the class supervisor also shared some relevant information to equip them. So whenever they met victims of D.V., they could help them not only medically.

It took Jessica some time to admit it. But gradually, she started to view her relationship with Peter in a different light. She also made some friends there, who were more neutral and could give her a second opinion when she needed. Kara was happy for her. It's good for Jessica to have truthful friends nearby. Normal friends. Still and all, Jessica's texts came, and Kara replied. Now she knew what she wanted. She wanted, she hoped that Jessica would still love to share things with her. She was going to enjoy that for as long as she was allowed.

 

*******

Spring had passed. So had summer. At fall, Jessica told Kara she was planning to divorce with Peter. His alcohol problem only became worse. Jessica suggested him to attend to a supporting group. Peter misunderstood it as Jessica accusing him of poor self-control. He shouted at her and punched the door while she locked herself in the restroom. Jessica had waited, but the situation didn't get better. He hit her two times. It was harder and harder for Jessica to stay out of his way since they lived together and almost everything she did annoyed him. One night, after Peter smashed half of their dishes and then tumbled into bed, Jessica made her decision.

Kara asked Jessica to stay low until she gathered the resources she needed for leaving, and said if Jessica had a problem finding a lawyer, she might be able to help. They didn't talk about those parts often, only when necessarily. Jessica preferred to send photos of flowers and asked how Kara thought about her design. Kara was amazed by the power of Jessica's hands. Her fingers only recognize death. She never held something that stayed alive.

Reese probably could; Kara thought when she was in a car waiting for him. They were sent to kill a man called Daniel Casey, who stole the State's secret. She had her doubt that Casey was not a traitor, but a man with bad luck. Nonetheless, an order was an order for a reason. Kara never required any reason when she was doing the job. Meanwhile, there might be a possibility that Reese didn't kill Casey. Kara didn't pursue the answer this time. If Reese made a decision, he would leave no loose ends. The job could be considered done. They were reassigned to Morocco. The forecast was 70 degrees and sunny. Kara wondered whether Jessica would like the scenery there.

Kara was living in two lives. One protected the other. Two days ago, Jessica asked if Kara wanted to keep in touch after her divorce.

[We didn't meet under an ideal circumstance, and I know you've helped me a lot. I couldn't ask for more. But I really hope you can be there, in my new life. How do you feel about it, Kate?]

Kara wasn't that naive to believe her friendship with Jessica would endure for long. They were different species after all. But Jessica's request still brought a smile on her lips.

[Of course yes, Jes. I plan to.]

 

*******

**2010. Morocco.**

They were closing the mission. Kara left Reese to handle the interrogation. Whatever the truth was, the target would soon spit out. She turned off the monitor screen, and then took the time to check her phone.

There was a missed call from Jessica, which was strange. Jessica never called, only texted. Also, the time was odd. Jessica never texted when Peter was at home; Kara could plot out his daily schedule by now, using those texts as clues. Worrying there might be some emergency forced Jessica to change her behavior, Kara called back.

While listening to the ring tone, Kara glanced at Mark's direction. He was talking with a woman in an another room, door half closed. Never seen that woman before, she seemed distressed, probably someone from the government, and there was a grim look on Mark's face. Out of an intuition, Kara stared at his lips, trying to figure out what he was saying. She was wired that way. There were only parts that she could tell, _'...situation here was as urgent as yours. I need... be deal with... you... yours... but things have to wait until... Ordos.'_

Why did they have to wait? Were there operatives failed or intelligence held up? And to wait for what? Ordos? To wait for it or to delay it? She couldn't think straight. Damn! Why hadn't Jessica picked up her phone? The endless ring tone drove her mad. Why called? Why didn't Jessica leave a message?

Reese showed up and was now looking at her carefully. Just when Kara was self-checking her expression, there was beeping in her ears. The line wasn't connected. Kara wanted to break some necks.

This wouldn't work. Kara was going to knock the door. To ask Mark. She needed a short leave. Whatever they were talking about could wait. Otherwise. There were other operatives in the CIA.

Reese was walking toward her, looked concerned. Kara stepped back.

Her phone buzzed.

_Jessica._

"I need to take this," Kara shook her head slightly to Reese and then left the room.

"Jessie? What's wrong?" as soon as Kara stood in the corridor, she answered the phone. She could hear the sound of the wind on the other end of the line. Jessica was probably outside her house.

"Kate! Oh, thank God."

"Are you alright? What happened?"

According to Jessica, Peter came home early that day, already drunk. When he was searching for more alcohol, he found Jessica's money box in the kitchen. He felt offended and asked whether Jessica considered him incapable of supporting their home. After knowing Jessica was saving for her flower shop, he was irritated by her disrespect of their discussion, which he believed had been concluded a while ago. He tried to hit Jessica, but he was too drunk he fell on the floor. Jessica didn't dare to move him. She grabbed her phone, ran away from her house, and called Kara for help.

"I don't know what to do. For a moment I thought he was going to kill me. What if I can't wait until the divorce? How can I tell him that?"

"Jessie. Jessica, calm down. You are safe now. Tell me, where is Peter?"

"In the kitchen. He passed out... I didn't-"

"And where was your money box?"

"I have it. I was afraid he would take it from me."

"Okay, good," Kara wanted to assure Jessica, to erase her fear away, but there were things more urgent than that, "Jessie, I'm sorry, but you can't wait for the divorce. Leave the house now. Take your money."

"To where?"

"Find somewhere Peter won't catch up for as long as possible. I'll meet you in 24 hours. I promise. Text me where you're staying and wait for me."

When she said she had some family emergency and needed a leave, Mark looked at her like she was a joke. Kara swore to herself that she would rain hell upon the first sign of Mark's refusal, but he only nodded and asked her to hand over the weapons, then went back to talk to the woman. Reese didn't say a word, but Kara could sense he was surprised.

Fuck them. She gave up everything to the job, which she was damn good at. She deserved to decide at least for once. She deserved a chance to save the one person she cared for, to keep her alive, after saving the world for so long by murdering people.

Kara took the earliest flight, heading back to New York.

Not everything she held would die. For whatever it took, she would make Jessica the exception.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Please understand. I will never choose to leave you alone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friendly reminder:  
> This chapter contains verbal and physical abuse description.  
> But don't worry, we know the abuser was eventually killed in the first chapter.

 

**2010, November. New Rochelle.**

**Jessica.**

Jessica fled from the house. She took Peter's car and drove aimlessly. For a while, all she did was gawking the road ahead, wondering how far she had been from home. She then found a motel and turned around to pass it. She kept driving. And another one. After she had spotted a third one, which looked low-end and cheap, Jessica pulled over from a distance and then walked into it. The woman behind the counter was yawning. Jessica took the key and left with her head low, hoping she didn't draw much attention.

The moment she entered the room, Jessica locked the door from the inside and texted the location to Kate. She didn't know her next step. She did as Kate had told her. Now she waited.

She was so terrified the whole night she couldn't close her eyes. She sat on the bed, fixed her sight on the door. It was until the birds were squabbling and the sky began to pale that she realized how hungry she was. Jessica sneaked out, trying to buy some food at the motel's diner, that's when her eyes met with Peter's.

She ran. Peter caught up and grabbed the door before she could slam it. Peter got in. His face was flushed, and his eyes red.

"Do you think you can run away from me? You can't even do that without my car. How dare you used mine?"

Jessica found it hard to breathe. She felt sick and dizzy. She stepped closer to the wall. But did she just trapped herself?

"Where is the bastard? I love you so much Jessica, how can you hurt me like this? Tell me. Where is he?"

_'Does Peter think I ran away because I'm having an affair?'_ Jessica didn't know how to react to it.

"There isn't any man," she managed to open her mouth, those words came out stiff.

"I forgive you, baby. I didn't tell anyone you're cheating. Come on. We can still go back. No one will know."

"No!" Jessica felt she hadn't been angrier in her whole life, "I don't want to. I want to leave, Peter. I can't do this anymore."

It's probably a bad idea to provoke Peter like this when he was this drunk, but Jessica couldn't help it.

Peter jumped forward to seize her. Jessica slipped trying to dodge.

"No, you're not going anywhere. How can you do that? Lie to me? You want other people to laugh at us? Ugh? Do you want that?"

"You are insane!" Jessica struggled, she didn't even feel the pain caused by her falling. She was overwhelmed with fear, and anger.

_'Am I going to die like this?'_  Her eyes wetted. She tasted the resentment running through her cheek.

Then she heard the door opened. The strength around her neck, loosen. Peter cried out and was now laying on the floor. Near him, there was a lamp, seemed to be fiercely pulled out from the plug.

"Get away from her."

It was Kate.

 

*******

**Kara.**

Kara went straight to the location Jessica had sent her. She slipped in from a back door. She already knew which room Jessica was staying in, no need to get any unpleasant attention.

Kara could hear a man cursing even at the end of the aisle. She rushed to the room and broke into it. Peter was on the top of Jessica pinching her neck. Kara might not have her firearm around, but she was very good at improvising.

Peter on the floor looked like mud. Kara could smell the alcohol. She left him moaning and went to check Jessica.

"Jessie, are you okay?" Kara gave her a hand to hold while standing up, and then put her other hand around Jessica's waist to help her balance.

Kara brushed away Jessica's hair. There were bruises started to show on her neck. Jessica sniffed. Kara looked up and find her eyes swollen and red. Just when Kara was going to wipe off those tear traces, Jessica's eyes widen. The next second, Kara was pushed aside.

After she had finally recovered from the surprise, Kara saw Peter lay around the corner of the table, his neck was twisted in a strange angle, his body, boneless. Then she turned and found Jessica was in shock, looking at her hands.

"Oh my God, what did I do?"

Kara tried to shelter Jessica from the sight, but failed, so she went to check Peter's vital signs. Still breathing, faintly, which would soon stop if he wasn't sent to a hospital in time.

"Did I just-"

"It was an accident." Kara was annoyed by her failure of not paying attention to her back. Only amateurs made this mistake.

 

*******

"Call an ambulance, if you want. I'll leave and make sure some camera sees me. You can tell the hospital, well, or the police, this is an accident. Peter was having an affair," Kara ignored Jessica's questioning stare, "You found out and left. He caught up, but so did that woman. Peter was attacked during their argument."

Kara was making up stories. She could make Jessica the witness. Once they knew there was a third woman, the local police was more likely to approach the case that way. And even if Peter did live, Kara believed he didn't get a close look at her. If he gave a statement that she was talking to Jessica? Well, it could be twisted as she was harassing her.

"What are you talking about, Kate? You are not with Peter, and it was me who did this to him," Jessica looked angry, "Are you giving me cover stories?"

"It'll work. They'll never find me. I am very good at it. Promise."

"Does that mean I can't see you again, either? It's the worst idea."

Well, she didn't consider that, Kara admitted. Probably because she never really expected she could see Jessica again.

"I'll call the ambulance. This was self-defense. I'll tell them. I can take whatever comes," Jessica seemed decisive, "Kate, you're my friend."

Kara hated everything she was going to do, but she couldn't find another way. "Jessica, I am truly sorry. But I can't stay if things go this way."

"Why?"

"Please understand. I will never choose to leave you alone. But I can't be involved in this investigation. Not like this," perhaps, Kara always knew this moment would come, "There is something about me you need to know."

 

*******

Jessica was silent. She looked at her like it was the first time she knew her. Kara avoided her eyes.

"Jessica, please. We don't have much time. Call the ambulance, and let me take care of it."

"No."

"Jessie-"

"No. I'm not calling the ambulance. And I'll not let you take care of this."

 

*******

**Jessica.**

In the end, they discussed their next steps together. Kara took Peter's body and left. Jessica would stay in the room for a while, in case the staffs suddenly decide to question about the earlier fighting, which they often assumed between couples and didn't bother to ask.

When the sun started to shine, Jessica went back to her house. Everything looked different. Now she waited. Waited for the police.

Before they parted, she and Kara also came up with the cover story. Peter had been through a difficult situation. He was drinking badly. Jessica left the house to run some errands that day, but forget to tell Peter in advance. When she came back, the house was empty. The next thing she knew was the police knocking on her door, to tell her they found her husband dead in a car accident. Peter probably got himself killed when driving to find her.

 

*******

**Kara.**

On a road where few people passed, she climbed out of a car wreckage and slowly walked away from the scene.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara never broke any promise she ever gave to Jessica. But apart from that. She didn't promise her anything in the end.

 

**Jessica.**

**2010, November. New Rochelle.**

When the police finally came to her door with the news, Jessica accepted it blankly. They assumed it was because she was in shock. She knew she wasn't.

Jessica acted according to what she and Kara had discussed the day before. The local police thought it was a tragedy, and even said condolences to her. She dealt with Peter's families and hers. She arranged the funeral. She called their friends and colleagues to inform them. Everyone could sense her sadness, which was real. They just never anticipated the reason.

During the process, she sometimes thought of Kara. What would she do in this? How would she feel when people told her that. Did Kara ever do something similar like this before?

It seemed Kara was exceptional at what she did. What the police told her was almost the same with what Kara had said. She wondered how Kara managed to do that. Did her get hurt? She hoped she didn't.

At the motel, Kara told her every step she planned to do to dispose of Peter's body. Apparently, Kara thought if they were going to do this together, they should make the information as clear as possible. Jessica appreciated that Kara didn't tell her a lie; didn't push her out of this mess. She trusted her with all these.

There were, however, something Kara couldn't reveal to her. She now knew Kara worked for a secret authority, who she killed people for. "I'm a killer," Kara said that in a plain fact style. "I don't kill for the highest bid, and not for self-benefits. But I do kill people, Jessica. Quite a lot. That's what I do." Jessica could tell that Kara had told her everything she was allowed to, which was more than enough for her to picture the woman Kara was. A woman who she hadn't known before, but somehow, still felt familiar, felt close.

She missed Kara. She wouldn't say she completely knew her. But she missed her.

At the funeral, people talked about Peter and their marriage. Jessica managed to wear a sad smile. She felt like she was listening to other people's stories, other couple's love. She couldn't recognize any of them. _'Why am I here?'_ It was absurd; Jessica couldn't believe they kept saying they were sorry for her. Those people simply knew nothing. _'Will they think even for a second that Peter died because of me?_ ' Jessica suddenly felt cold. What if, she couldn't help but think. What if she was the one got killed in their argument? What if she didn't leave the house that night? What if she wasn't aware of the situation of her marriage? What if she didn't meet Kara?

She couldn't imagine if Kara didn't show up in her life. She didn't want to imagine if Kara wasn't going to be there in the future. But when Kara told her the truth about herself, she said it as if they were living in different worlds, like once she uncovered the secret, the magic of their bond would dissolved.

Kara didn't tell her when would this came to the end. She didn't tell her how long she had to wait. She didn't ask her to.

"Take care of yourself, Jessie. Be safe." That's what Kara told her in the end, while hugging her, for the first time. Before they broke the contact, Kara's lips fell on her hair, faintly. "Will you be alright?" Jessica was worried. "I'll be fine," Kara said, _'Promise.'_ Jessica could almost hear Kara said that while their eyes holding each other's existence. Kara never broke any promise she ever gave to Jessica. But apart from that. She didn't promise her anything in the end.

She collected all of Peter's things. She sent some to his families and friends, thinking them might want to keep those memories. She delivered the rest to institutions in need.

The reason why she and Kara bonded in the first place was gone. She didn't want to view it in that way, but she couldn't deny it, either.

Jessica wondered why she always ended up like this. Alone. Every time she found the person she loved, the person she was in love with. Yes, she realized that now, loud and clear. But probably altogether too late. Her relationships always faded away in a quiet confrontation. It would be gone, eventually, because she would not do anything about it.

What she did that day, at the motel. Even though it was just out of her instinct. Even though she now knew that Kara was ten times better than how she was able to fight. Even though what she did had caused all those following messes, caused Kara to confess to her, caused them to be apart like this. She didn't feel regret about it. She would do it again.

_'Do you think it was justified?'_

Jessica remembered that question. She still didn't know the answer.

She didn't text Kara.

 

*******

**2010, December.**

Jessica took a trip away from the state she was living, saying that she wanted to change the scenery. The B&B she stayed was lovely. Although sometimes it rained, overall she enjoyed the seascape there. She wondered where Kara was. She hoped she was safe.

After she had been back, she told her mom that she planned to sell the house. Her mom thought it was stupid. Peter's families thought she was too grief to live in the place.

Jessica made it clear that she had made her choice.

She found a tiny flat in Brooklyn, thinking there might be a good place to start her new life. There was a sushi shop around the corner.

She quit her job at the hospital. She called her mom to let her know everything was alright. She didn't talk any further.

 

*******

**2011, New Year's Day.**

She brought back some flower materials, jasmines, gardenias, preserved poppies. She took out the vase her ex-colleague had kindly brought to her around Christmas. Someone anonymously sent it to the hospital, apparently having no idea that Jessica had quit the job. She washed the vessel, put some fresh water in it, arranged those flowers, and then put her final work on the window ledge. She made tea and sat at a desk near the window.

Outside, the sun was setting. Eventide overwhelmed the sky.

 

*******

**Kara.**

**2010, November.**

"Did you ever think about a normal life?" Kara regretted instantly, but what was said was said.

"I do," Reese answered like there was nothing wrong. He didn't even change his posture, keeping his eyes fixed on their target's house. They were sitting in a car parked across the street. It was a long stakeout. Kara blamed her slip of the tongue to it.

"Didn't expect you to answer it this openly," Kara played her usual trick and moved the conversation focus to Reese.

"Didn't expect you would ever ask it," Reese turned his head, "Everything alright?"

"Like I said, we don't get normal lives-"

"Didn't mean we don't appreciate it," Reese now turned his whole body and looked at Kara intensely, "or why did we choose this job?"

"Hum," Kara snorted, "you saying it wasn't because we are too good at this?"

Reese gave her an annoying smile and then turned back to watch the house.

"I think I kind of suck at it, possibly," after a while, Reese said in a small voice. Kara wasn't sure if she heard it right.

"Maybe that's why we're good at this," Kara whispered to herself.

 

*******

Kara never expected things to go that far. The best scenario she had ever considered was Jessica got the divorce she wanted. Then her job was done. Like what she always did, just this time, didn't have to murder someone. Well, as it turned out, life had its own plan.

It was nice, though, to have a chance to befriend with Jessica. She couldn't recall a time when she felt more at peace, more grounded, other than being with her, or just simply thinking of her. After her divorce, however, it would all depend on Jessica's choice.

Kara supposed, once Jessica got free, she would have a new life, new friends, probably a new relationship; Kara tried to ignore the stings she felt while thinking about it. She would be happy, if the only part she played in Jessica's life was supporting her through a bad situation. She could be happy, if the only part Jessica played in the future was season greetings, yearly hello, or maybe a photo of her flower shop. Oh, she craved to see that. Did she ever tell Jessica how proud she was of her? Why didn't she tell her that day? Might because it was already too late. Who would ever want that from her? Kara wondered why she never thought of giving Jessica something nice, so that even if they were suddenly apart, Jessica's hands could hold something of her that was not destructive.

After that day, after she climbed out of the car and walked away from Jessica's world, Jessica didn't contact her. She took it as things went well.

_'You can't miss what you never had.'_ Yeah, about right. Deep down, Kara knew what she truly wanted. What she wanted was what she shouldn't ask for. So Kara didn't text her. She would not beg if Jessica decided they should be strangers, but she would not push her away, either. There had been far too many people advising Jessica how to live her life. It's her new life now. She deserved to choose.

 

*******

Kara wasn't one who dwelt in the past often. But recently her reason of enlisting kept visiting her. She remembered the accident. After she had pushed the boy out of a window, her friend looked at her with wide, terrified eyes. But that was okay. She did what she wanted to, what she could do. She never regretted it.

The accident also made her understand that there was a fire within her ribs. Sometimes she was urged to break, to smash, to hurt. To fight. She didn't know who she wanted to be back then, but she knew what she was good at. Upon being suggested to join the army, she thought that was a good idea. She could fight her fights without being seen, without scaring people she cared for. 

If she thought about lying, she would say she didn't enjoy killing people, but actually, she did. Because it channeled her energy burning inside, and she was contented, knowing it was guided to a mostly right direction.

 

*******

**2010, December.**

Their mission was easy, fetching an item on the border, and giving it to another local operative in the city, no killing. Job done, she and Reese were walking on the street. Kara wondered what had Mark been doing; he kept meeting with that government woman, avoiding them. Just when she was about to bring it up to Reese, she saw a big flower market, some peddlers selling all sorts of vases near its entry.

"Why, never pictured you as a flower-lover, Kara," Reese teased her, relaxed, and was holding out his arm for her. It seemed he was willing to accompany her for a little shopping.

"It's not me," Kara smiled, taking his arm.

They walked, side by side, like how they could have been in another life, with another names, building another timeline making choices. Or maybe, they were already there; maybe here was a place they always meant to arrive.

"Uh, Kara?"

"Huh?"

"Just trying to say, no matter who the person is, I think it's nice you have each other."

Kara glanced at him, not slightly annoyed, "Well, that's not my decision."

 

*******

**2011, January.**

She received a text in which wrote an address, and at the end of it, said,

[I miss you. Please come, anytime when you can. I'll wait. Jes.]

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As planned, this story ends here, but apparently it's not very fair, and after sitting on this chapter for a few days, I didn't feel satisfied, either, so, there is still an epilogue to come. Tomorrow.
> 
> Thanks in advance for all those hits, kudos, comments, and subscriptions. I cherish every one of them!! This is like the rarest rare pairing lol, but oh didn't I invest myself deeply into these girls and their relationships. It's probably a bit immature to say this, but in the end I really love them, so much. But please feel totally free to share any thoughts with me if you feel like it! I hope you all enjoy this story and find the ending rewarding. xxx


	8. Epilogue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a sudden blackout in New York City.

 

**Spring.**

The rain that has been falling for weeks is finally stopped.

Inside Jessica's flat, it's dry and comfy, the fragrance of freesia and lisianthus melting in the air, mixed with scents of her lighted lemongrass candle, and coffee.

Traffic noise is far away, and irrelevant.

Jessica stretches and then rolls herself under the covers, like a cat just wakes up, making wrinkles on the quilt. After contentedly settling down lying on her stomach, she lifts her head and smiles mischievously.

"Hey," Kara reaches out, tenderly pushing a stray hair aside, then tucking it behind Jessica's ear. She can feel the vein behind it, pulsating and pleasant, "you look happy."

"I am."

"You want coffee? Pizza?" Kara asks leisurely. She isn't very keen to move actually, just making sure Jessica gets what she needs, "I'm afraid they're already cold, though."

"I don't like that store's anyway."

"Next time I'll buy from another one, then."

Jessica hums, and let herself lean back into Kara's embrace, "I missed you."

"I know. You've repeated it several times just then."

Kara is never one into cuddling. Until now. This feels good, feels like there isn't somewhere else to run to, something else to fight for. Like she can just stay here, forever. Which is an unrealistic indulgence, she knows. Still, she can have this for as long-

"Kara, stop that," Jessica's hand cups her cheek, "I know this look."

"What look? I don't have a mirror-"

The rest of her sentence is sealed by Jessica's sweet lips. Not that she complains.

It soon turns soppy, and just when Kara is about to throw herself back into this blissful state, the power suddenly goes down.

They are in absolute darkness. A series of sounds going outside the window: disoriented car horns, brakes, curses, and sirens.

Kara tenses instantly, her hand holds a bit tighter on the small of Jessica's back, her the other hand stretched out, but there isn't anything under the soft pillow.

Jessica is still leaning over her, almost sitting on her laps, but she also gets distracted and makes an "Oh?" sound. Her whisper brings Kara back to here, to now, the skin under Kara's finger is reassuring, and it speaks safe. Kara breathes, and then says, "Possibly a blackout."

"Seems there isn't any light on the street," Jessica lifts her head, looking outside. Fully distracted, she sits up, reaching for her phone to check online, "Ah, it says the whole city's power was cut out."

The screen light flashes on her face. Kara stares her profiles in the glare.

"Please don't do that. It hurts your eyes," Kara mildly reminds her, but doesn't do any further. Before long, Jessica turns over her phone and tucks it under the pillow.

"Call yourself a nurse," Kara teases.

"I am not," Jessica answers briskly.

Even without the light, Kara can see her beaming.

The mattress squeezes while Jessica crawls back into Kara's personal space.

 

*******

"I missed you, too," Kara's whisper gently brushes away the silence they shared, on Jessica's mind, it's the music Kara's hand fiddles along with her spine.

"Then come back."

"Darling, I am right here."

"No, I mean," Jessica takes a deep breath, forming up an oath, "Come back to me. From wherever your jobs are."

Kara's hand stops, but it doesn't move away.

Jessica reaches out to the desk near the bed. She fumbles for an envelope put there earlier. She then opens it and from inside takes out a key. She puts it into Kara's palm.

"Jessie?"

"Anytime. I know your schedule isn't fixed and not all up to you, I can imagine that, but anytime when you can, always come back to me. Here. Here is your place."

Kara makes a sound. It's too small for Jessica to recognize what it means. So she waits.

"I told you," Kara's voice sounds like echoes from another room, "You know what kind of job I'm doing, Jessie. You must know how hard it is. How hard to do the thing you're asking."

"Yeah," Jessica acknowledges, "That's why I ask."

She puts her arms around Kara's neck, closing the space between them. She can feel her heartbeats, echo hers. Jessica waits until she feels Kara's hand starts to wander again along with her spine, up and down, up and down, synchronizing with their breathing.

Kara remains quiet, so Jessica goes back to what she is trying to say, "I won't pretend to know everything about your job. I won't ask you to choose between two lives, either, like how you always describes them. But I hope you know that, you don't have to choose, Kara. You can belong here, too,"  _'You can belong to me,'_ Jessica adds in her mind, "I'll be here, so come back."

"Okay," Kara's breath catches, and her voice breaks a little, "yes I promise you."

 

*******

Despite the sudden blackout, the city soon regains its ordinary pace; like it always did, like it always will do. Traffic noise hums around their little flat, blocking almost every single sound in this world. The city is a deep black hole. They are lying on their bed, touching and kissing. If looking outside, they will find a borderless sky full of stars, for all the light goes down. But why will any of them want to do that? She is the darkest dark and full of potential catastrophes but also feels warm and wet and is now gently covering her. And she is the brightest whose light travels from millions of years away and will shine on for millions of years more, basically forever. Undying. Eternal. She can always sense her no matter at which corner of this earth she stands. She embraces her and learns about the knowledge that what she touches is alive, alive, alive.

 

*******

"Why are you so happy?" Kara asks blithely, not even trying to hide her own delight.

Jessica only lies her cheek against Kara's chest, letting her chuckles melt into her ribs.

Of course Jessica is happy. If her existence in this world means Kara will always come back to her alive, she thinks it's perfect.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many Thanks once again for every lovely comment and kudo and hit! I hope you all enjoy this ending :D
> 
> PS: I wonder if you have come across [the latest song](https://youtu.be/dwgs2HZq6h0?list=PLJfI52GoijLeXIDtWl7DX3FW2DrludqZy) of Sleeping At Last (which is one of my fave music artists)? I found it while editing this epilogue and I was like????? I wonder how many times their songs can synchronize with my ships. Oh, I love synchronicity so much!
> 
> PPS: Just decided that I'm gonna keep shipping them till the end of time. If you want to chat, find me here or on Tumblr @bliphany maybe? (oh look at my shameless shipper heart lol)

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me how you think about this. Also, I am not quite sure about the rules of rating and tags. I tried. If there is any suggestion, or opinion about my English, I appreciate it!!


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